I’m going to be very honest with you all. Over the summer, I opened up about my break up and discussed forgiveness. But, what I failed to mention was that forgiveness does not take two seconds and then your life is all better. I thought that’s what the case was going to be, but it was not.
I was still hurt.
After that blog, things were okay, I was friends with my ex and it was working. Then, I began to have terrible dreams that would taunt me, and make me feel so insecure. While I don’t pay much attention to my dreams, they were making me angry. I began to resent him. I was reminded of how much hurt he caused, and I did not want to be friends anymore. While this was never explicitly said, my behavior was representative of that.
Yes, I wanted to be friends. I knew I had forgiven him, because us not being together was beyond us. But, I was avoiding the real issue—the void in my heart that I felt he could fill. Even before a relationship, he was my best friend. He played a very important part in my life, and since that all changed, I was left with this empty void. I didn’t know how to fill. I was so confused, and wondered how is that God is working in every area of my life except this one? Not realizing that those areas were truly submitted to Him, but this area was not. This void was so far from God that I didn’t even know how to let Him in.
I became a hot mess.
There were good days, bad days, and days when I just wanted to stay in bed. I would get upset because I would see my ex on social media, and he would look so happy and moved on, while I was sitting my bed crying my eyes out over the loss of our friendship and relationship. My heart was truly broken. We didn’t really talk much, but we still kept in contact, we even met up, and things were fine. Then, I had a bad day. This day was hard. I was so confused, and wondered where everything went wrong. In trying to make sense of everything, I recorded a voice message and sent it to him. This message consisted of a lot of things I can’t even remember, but I know I cried and prayed for him. I woke up the next morning feeling so embarrassed. It was then that I realized I couldn’t do this. Yes, I forgive and acknowledge we were not right for each other, but that was not all that I needed to do.
I had to fill that void with Jesus.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18
I forgave, and believed in my heart that that was all I needed to do to get better. Nope. There was more that needed to be done. I really had to seek God. I had to come off of social media, and begin to focus on the things God needed me to. I had to allow God to be close to my broken heart. He is near to those who are crushed in spirit— He wanted to be close to me. I had to give Him access to this part of my heart that was closed off and use to be filled by my “best friend”, a void I didn’t even know was so closed off from God.
My ex did nothing wrong. In fact, he was very kind and understanding after everything. However, I had to understand that nothing he said or did was going to make me feel better. Being his friend was not going to make me feel better. Yes, I forgive him, and I felt better when I did, but that was just the start, God needed me to draw closer to Him.
After the night I sent that voice message, I realized that there is NOTHING that anybody can say or do to make me feel better. God desires my time, and my whole heart. He wants to fill every void, and have every single part of my life. I failed to realize that a few months ago, even a few days ago. I realized I am still hurting, more than I expected to. Many told me only time will heal, but in all actuality, regardless if twenty years pass, if I don’t allow God into this void and to heal my pain, I will never stop hurting.
I feel like this has been such a back and forth process. I have been seeking out everyone and everything that I thought would make me feel better, but nothing worked. Part of that was because I made up in my mind what I wanted to do and hear. I was tired of apologizing for my repetitive conversations about this, and I was beginning to feel like no one understood, or cared. None of this was true, but it was really how I felt. Im learning that I just need to trust in God.
I share this because, I wanted to let you know that Forgiveness isn’t the whole antidote to getting through. Yes, you must forgive, but you must also draw closer to God so that He can truly heal. “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
I am learning to trust and seek God on my bad days, good days, and days I don’t want to get out of bed. As we go through this journey together, pray for me, as I pray for you all!
Be His Masterpiece.